Happy Birthday Little Brother David!

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This loss weighing on my very bones.

In memory of

David Efrain Rivera

5.12.1966 – 1.9.2009

david compilation

A sense of loss of someone who left this earth eight years ago; eight years before I knew he existed.

Where do I begin?

How do I begin?

 

What happened to those:

  • Eight years
  • 96 months
  • 416 weeks
  • 2920 days
  • 70080 hours
  • 4204800 minutes
  • 252288000 seconds

Where did this time go?

 

What can happen in eight years – what are all the things my brother has missed out on – whether it was a sibling or his own children robbed of their childhood by his passing

Off the top of my head are just some of the highlights that define our existence

  • Birth
  • 1st birthdays
  • first niece / nephew
  • celebrations like
    • graduations from pre-k, kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school
    • bris, baptism
    • communion, confirmation, bat / bar mitzvah,
  • first puppy / kitten
  • first concert
  • first road trip
  • first camping trip
  • first true love
  • passing driving test
  • starting college
  • graduating college
  • first credit card
  • first car
  • first job
  • first wedding
  • first house
  • first grandchild

———————-

The list can go on to cover so many things like

  • First family vacation overseas

But – for now let’s just contemplate some of these things

For this too can qualify as a life not lived, or perhaps a life half lived because his legacy is now his lovely children left in the wake of his untimely departure and the grandchildren he never met, and those that that remained, those that loved him; those he left behind.

Farewell oh brother of mine that only lives in pictures and other people’s memories. Stories of your youth shared with me as I try to keep those pieces together to paint your picture! Always wondering, what would have been …

Until We Meet …

Fly free now, alongside your wings our sister (1957 – 2012) and brother (1958-1958) ; with your steadfast co-pilot at your side, your bride (1971 – 2017).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Bad Connection?

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Most of my life I wondered about my birth parents, my birth mother in particular. For some reason, my attention always focused in that direction. As I got older and understood the whole procreation process, I realized that my birth mother was going to be my ‘in’ to my truth; my very humble beginnings!

Well, now I have the ability to get to know my birth mother and my emotions are mixed. We have spoken on several occasions; logistically we can only do phone calls. I am okay with that. I want to speak to her; but then I don’t. I want to know the truth; yet Linda is unable to share this secret she has held these fifty plus years. There is nothing more right now that I want, expect, and deserve; it is the absolute truth.

I have imagined at least five possible scenarios that would have pushed her to leave a newborn in a car.

I have excused, forgiven, have no ill will to that scared, lonely [in her heart & head], hormone crazed 25 year old with two small children already in her haphazard care.

However, I have less patience and understanding for the 78 year old on the other end of the line that has yet to take responsibility and been honest with herself to say the least. Feigning memory loss just isn’t working.

‘What did you say Linda, you don’t remember? I am sorry, we seem to have a bad connection – I’ll have to hang up now.’

 

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Older Sister – Deb around the same age [Top Picture – the author around 2 years old]